The Wedding of Uzumaki Naruto

Prompt: This is Part III of the Konoha Chronicles because I'm having fun writing this crack.

I can't believe I got an invitation to the wedding of my ex-fiancee two days after she jilted me, Neji thought to himself as he walked towards the sprawling training grounds near the village. The paths were decorated with a plethora of lavender flowers--hanging from trees, springing from the ground, spreading their sickly sweet scent all over the place. Neji didn't mind though; there wasn't much that could make him unhappy on such a wonderful, beautiful day.

Well, except Hiashi-oji-sama (1), but that was a different matter altogether.

At least we got him to agree to come to the wedding and not murder the groom and force me to marry by cousin. Though, to be honest, Neji didn't trust Hiashi half as far as he could throw him, which was a fair distance, he supposed, but not enough to constitute trust in his uncle's erratic behavior in the past few days.

Hiashi had not taken the jilting nearly as well as Neji had. In fact, his uncle had had a minor meltdown the night before and this morning. Neji just hoped that his uncle kept it to himself during the ceremony. The Hokage and his lover would be there to watch their son get married, and Neji didn't think the Hyuuga Clan name could take any more scandal right now.

Stepping into the decorated, florally-scented Team Seven training grounds. All around, people were milling in their heavy, traditional dress, laughing and passing around the sake. Already, he could see the Hokage's spiky blond hair in the crowd next to a head of deep red locks.

And then there was Hiashi, who was off brooding in a corner.

Neji sighed, praying half-heartedly that today would go well. But then again, after the ridiculing he'd been through last night, he wouldn't have minded seeing Hiashi brought down a notch or two. Smirking to himself, Neji began to mingle.

---

Seated in the front row, Neji stared up at Naruto, who was grinning from ear-to-ear and talking to Sasuke, his best man. The Hyuuga couldn't help but feel happy for the blond (and grateful that Naruto had taken Hinata from him), and was smiling slightly, though one wouldn't have been able to tell from so far away.

"It's time for the ceremony to start." The words traveled over the training grounds in a wave of hushed whispers, eyes swiveling back towards where the bride would enter through the curtain of beautiful white flowers and beads shading the crook between two ancient oak trees.

Neji, too, was looking intently. Hiashi was nowhere to be found. His uncle had agreed to give the bride away, so he supposed that the old bastard was back there with Hinata, probably trying to convince her that all of this was a very bad idea and she should go straight back home and prepare to marry her cousin... again.

Finally, silence fell and the music began. The beads parted in a soft rustle and jingle, revealing a row of bridesmaids--Sakura, Ino and TenTen--all dressed in graceful lavender dresses (though Neji didn't think lavender suited Sakura's pink head very well). Each was smiling broadly, and he noticed that Sakura's eyes were focused on the best man rather than the crowd, stars practically gleaming from their depths as she oogled him. Even after all these years, Sakura still hadn't outgrown her childhood crush...

The sad thing was, Neji thought Sasuke might be returning her feelings--especially with the look he was giving her cleavage.

And then Hanabi appeared, her pale eyes wide and her lips un-smiling. She looked very serious as she marched down the aisle in beat with the music, dropping clumps of petals onto the unrolled carpeting rather than tossing them into the air.

Finally, it was time for Hinata. Neji looked on eagerly--the sooner this was over with the better. He could breathe easier at night knowing she couldn't be dragged back and forced to become his wife! It would be such a rel--

"No! I forbid you! Come here, Hinata! We're returning home immediately!"

"O-Otou-sama, please, l-let me g-g-go!"

"How could you even consider marrying that demon-child! I won't have the Hyuuga named soiled by--"

No... just... no... There is no way I'm going to let him ruin this for me! Growling, Neji stood and walked straight back down the aisle, kicking aside the piles of white rose petals as he headed for the beaded archway. On the other side he could hear a scuffle and then the beads were pushed aside with a faint jingling. Hiashi's face came into view...

BANG. BANG. CRASH. THUMP.

Silence.

Neji reappeared with Hinata on his arm. Her eyes were as wide as her dazed smile. Glancing over his shoulder at his uncle's prone body, Neji snorted. "Forgive the interruption," he intoned clearly, not even blinking. "You may continue."

Hesitantly, the music began again. Throwing out his chest, Neji led his cousin down the aisle, trying to make sure that she didn't collapse, because she really did look ready to faint under all that decorated silk and another giant, annoying bow. Honestly, how women could stand to wear such bulky clothing, he'd never know!

But then she turned to look at Naruto, and Neji nearly gagged at the sickeningly sweet look shared between them. Hinata looked like she was seeing Heaven and Naruto... he just looked like a pervert.

They reached Naruto's side and the blonde reached out for Hinata's hand. For a second, Neji wanted to refuse, but he knew that it was his duty--since Hiashi was incapacitated--to give away the bride, even to this demon.

But not before he gave Naruto a look. Leaning over, he hissed, "If you do anything to hurt her, Uzumaki, I'll end you."

An uncharacteristically serious look crossed the blonde's face as he nodded. Then he pulled Hinata away, and Neji returned to his seat to watch the proceedings.

As the bride and groom approached, the prosiding official's face was beaming, tears gathering in his eyes. Neji didn't think the look befitted Jiraiya the Toad Sannin (2), and he doubted that the man's thoughts were platonic. He was probably thinking about how good Naruto and Hinata would look in bed with each other.

"We're all gathered here today for the wedding of these two lovely people!" he announced joyously. From then on, Neji tuned him out.

Minutes tickled by. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, before Hiashi wakes back up again! Anxiously, he listened to the drone of Jiraiya's voice in the background, resisting the urge to nervously glance back over his shoulder to make sure his uncle hadn't made an impromtu reappearance. Hurry, hurry, hurry...

"And now I will ask if there are any objections amongst the--"

"I OBJECT!"

Kami damn it all, why couldn't he stay unconscious?

Everyone turned to stare at a panting, bruised and disheveled Hyuuga Hiashi, complete with a black ring around his left eye and a torn kimono. He looked like a lunatic, not the idea thing for the Clan Head to appear as. Neji wanted to bash his head against a wall somewhere.

Jiraiya glared at the Hyuuga. "You don't get to object."

Furiously, Hiashi pointed his finger at the Toad Sannin. "You can't stop me! My daughter will not be marrying that... that... thing!"

"Please, calm down, sir, or I'll be forced to have you removed from the grounds." Jiraiya was not smiling now, but looking highly annoyed at the interruption.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? How can I CALM F***ING DOWN?"

From beside Neji, Hanabi asked again, "What does fu** mean, Neji-san (3), and why do you and Otou-sama (4) get to use it but not me?"

"Just never mind..."

"You leave me no choice..." Jiraiya shook his head. "Security, escort him off the premisis!" Snap.

Three ANBU swarmed the crazy Hyuuga, holding his arms behind his back as they dragged him away from the wedding. "Let me go! I am the Head of the Hyuuga Clan and I demand to be let go immediately! Do you hear me? HOW DARE YOU?"

It was just plain embarrassing. Neji felt his cheeks flaring with mortification.

There was silence. Again.

"Much better," the sannin said, grinning. "Now that that's taken care of, Uzumaki Naruto, do you take this woman to be your wife?"

"I do! Believe it!"

"And you, Hyuuga Hinata, do you take this man to be your husband?"

Neji held his breath. This was the moment when Hinata had backed out of their wedding. His ears strained, waiting... waiting...

"I d-do."

Relief. Glorious Relief. Heavenly Relief. Neji sighed, releasing the breath he had unwittingly been holding.

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride, brat!"

And Naruto did. Very enthusiastically. And Neji didn't care one witt.

He was free.


Note: Aw, aren't Naruto and Hinata cute? And Neji no longer has to worry about marrying Hinata. Hopefully Hiashi won't try to marry him off to Hanabi... that would just be disturbing. On a brighter note, my sister is trying to think of a collective title for this little series of vignettes, since from here on out they won't focus very much on the Hyuuga Clan... for the most part, anyway.

(1) -oji-sama - respectful way of saying "uncle"

(2) Sannin - group of three powerful ninjas named Tsunade, Jiraiya and Orochimaru who were students of the Third Hokage

(3) -san - rough equivalent of Mr., Mrs. or Miss

(4) Otou-sama - respectful way of saying "father"