Prompt: One day you are sitting in front of your computer when, suddenly, the computer starts talking to you. What does it say? Does it have a message for you or does it just want to chat?
Click, click, click... tap, tap... click, click...
Vincent Valentine was tired. He hadn't slept for several days now--almost a week, if he were to be truthful with himself--and it was wearing down on him. This morning he had had to spend an extra ten minutes making sure he didn't show signs of being "human" around his constant companions. The Kisaragi girl would have never let him hear the end of it if she'd actually caught him yawning.
However, until everyone settled in for the night, he wasn't going anywhere. Mindlessly, he coded and recoded every file he could get his hands on, waiting for everyone else to finally go to sleep so he could actually close his eyes and take a power-nap.
"You know, bud, you look real shitty today. Shouldn't you be sleepin' or somethin'?"
Was it just him... or had Cid just spoken to him? But no... Cid was on the other side of the room, drinking and smoking and being a disgusting waste of space. Vincent blinked, refocusing his eyes on the barrage of numbers flowing across the computer screen. You are imagining things now... How the mighty have fallen. Or maybe you are finally losing what little is left of your sanity.
He had the strong urge to tell that stupid voice in his head to shut the hell up, but he knew Chaos wouldn't listen. Instead, he tuned the demon out, locking it away in the back of his head, though the echoes of its laughter still reached the forefront of his mind.
"No, I'm serious, Vinnie. Your eyes are drooping. You know, I don't want you collapsing on my keyboard. Cid's drool is bad enough; I don't need vamp-drool on top of that. You'll clog my keys."
The Hell?
This time, Vincent really did focus on the computer. Surely he couldn't be imagining that voice, right? It had just told him not to drool on the keyboard... its keyboard. Strange... And... Cid's drool... gross... Gingerly, he lifted his fingers off the keys. Too much information.
"C'mon, don't give me that look! It ain't my fault the old geezer can't seem to keep his mouth shut when he sleeps! Snores like a freaking airship, too, I'm tellin' you."
Crimson eyes narrowed. Nothing about the machine had changed, except that it had apparently spoken to him. Either he was very, very tired and hallucinating or someone had slipped some sort of drug into his coffee this morning, because computers did not talk. Nevertheless, he couldn't resist the urge to scoot his chair back a foot or so... just in case the computer decided to jump up and bite him next.
"Don't be like that, bud! I wouldn't hurt a fly, I swear! Look, could you just, y'know, keep on typing or something? I'm bored and... it's... uh... feels... uh..."
"Are you trying to say that I have been feeling up a computer for the last two hours?" Vincent muttered skeptically. It took him a few seconds to realize that he'd said it out loud.
"No! Well... sort of? Look, not like that, you old pervert! Sheesh! Why do all humans have to be so stupid, honestly? Hey, Vinnie, do you think you could download some of those pictures of Tifa for me? I'd really appreciate it."
The red-caped ex-TURK stared blankly at the machine. Had it just asked him to download pictures of the woman with a painfully large bosom so it could oogle her? That is... just wrong. It is a machine.
"Haha, didn't know you had such a perverted mind, Vinnie, old pal."
Shut up, Chaos... He really wasn't in the mood!
"You are a computer. You are not talking to me." Maybe if he said it enough times it would become reality. He needed sleep really badly.
"Hey, are you listening to me? Vinnie, I need--"
"They do not speak."
"--some help here, bud. You understand, right? I--"
"It is a machine."
"--just want a little-- Hey, are you listening to me, you bastard? Hey! Hey, you! Vinnie?"
"It is not talking to me... Definitely not... Surely not..." Vincent shook his head, trying to keep his eyes from drifting shut out of pure fatigue. "That's it, I'm going to bed. I do not care what Cid thinks..."
Inside his head, Chaos was laughing at him.
Growling to himself Vincent abruptly stood and shoved the chair back up against the desk, trying to ignore the frequent "Hey you!"s and "Are you listening to me?"s of the inanimate object that had suddenly developed some sort of convoluted, perverted personality of his own. Or maybe this was all a really weird dream and he'd wake up with his drool smeared all over the keyboard and numbers still flashing across the screen in a dizzying tide.
"Turning in already?"
The voice sounded so much like the computer's that Vincent nearly reached down and drew his gun, only to turn and find himself face-to-face with the unshaven, drunken blond pilot who reeked of cigarette smoke. "Didn't think you slept, vamp-boy."
Vincent didn't want to admit to sleeping. Besides, this was probably all a hallucination anyway. "Your computer spoke to me. It wants you to upload pictures of Tifa's bust."
"Yeah, yeah, whatev-- SAY WHAT NOW? THE HELL, VALENTINE?"
I am going insane. I should have just stayed in my coffin and slept for another thirty years.
He walked away, leaving the Captain spitting swear-words at his back all the while. And inside his head, Chaos was still laughing.
---
The next morning was bright and sunny--exactly the way Vincent hated. Sunny days reminded him too much of Lucrecia. Feeling his mood after last night's "incident" plummet even farther (He hadn't been aware it was possible until that moment), Vincent settled himself in a chair and poured himself a mug of pure, unsweetened black coffee.
Halfway through the bitter liquid, he felt a more refreshed as his ever-present fatigue disappeared under a wave of caffeine-induced alertness. Then the door opened and bloodshot blue eyes peered in at him.
"Hey, Valentine, what'd you do to my goddamn computer, you a$$?"
For a second it didn't register, and then... "What are you talking about, Highwind?"
"My fu**ing computer said good morning to me. Did you download some illegal Shinra super-computer software or something? Wouldn't put it past one of you ex-TURK bastards..."
So it wasn't a dream after all.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Highwind."
"But yesterday you said--"
Vincent didn't wait for the rest. He'd had enough of talking computers to last him for the next several decades. He hadn't particularly liked technology to begin with, and now he had three times the reason to hate any form of advanced technology. No... he wanted nothing to do with this freak-anomaly.
"I think you need to lay off the sake (1)," Vincent muttered. Saying nothing else, he swept out into the hallway, abandoning the pilot to his fate full of screechy young females and perverted talking computers.
I wonder if the top of this airship is habitable. At least up there no one will catch me sleeping.
To make matters worse, Chaos was still in the back of his mind, laughing. What he wouldn't give to have a mental crowbar handy to beat the demon over the head with it. Then, at least, he could pretend all of this was a bad dream and forget it ever happened.
Note to self: Never touch Cid's airship computers again. They are sentient and probably harbor the genetic remnants of the Captain's drool.
"You're such a drag, Vinnie, old pal."
Just shut up, Chaos.
Note: This is complete crack born straight from the land of extreme boredom. It's just so stupid, but really, poor Vinnie. I keep reading stories where he's a complete technophobe, not that I blame him too much, poor thing.
(1) sake - rice wine... basically, an alcoholic beverage from Japan
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