A Baby's First Words - Naruto style

Prompt: "What might come from the mouths of babes? Write a humorous piece of fiction where a baby's first word is a little surprising."

In Minato's opinion, Naruto was the cutest baby that had ever existed. His chubby little cheeks and wide little baby smile made the Fourth Hokage (1) positively giddy. It had been hard for him to imagine what it would be like, in years past, to have a son. Yet he couldn't imagine not having a son, now.

His favorite time of day was when he returned home from the office. Free from mindless assistants and a barrage of shinobi and people who wanted something, he could just relax at home in the company of his infant son and adoring wife.

Heaven... it was heaven.

Throwing the door open, he felt like letting out a whoop. Instead, he managed a fairly tamed "I'm home!" and a grin, heading straight into the sitting room where he knew Kushina would be waiting for him with a big, bright smile on her pretty dark lips and an adorable little blonde baby cuddled up in her lap, holding that damnable stuffed frog he'd been given by his Uncle Jiraiya. Naruto was just too kawaii for words!

He turned the corner and--

Stopped.

Kushina was there, her lips pursed, hands on her hips.

And she was looking at him.

Minato gulped. What did I do this time? He couldn't remember doing anything that warranted such a look! All of his dirty clothing made it into the wash. The bathroom was clean, no toilet paper on the floor. He'd even changed Naruto's diaper this morning all on his own! So what was she looking at him like that for?

"What," she asked, "have you been reading to my son, Minato?"

Dumbfounded, he stared at her. "Huh...?" He hadn't been reading to Naruto. He'd been teaching the child how to build block towers (and knock them down). Certainly he hadn't read anything to Naruto that deserved The Look. The look that meant "If you don't find a very good explanation for this in the next few minutes I'm going to skewer you on my shuriken (2)". No one wanted to be on the receiving end of that look, not even the great Fourth Hokage.

"Do you want to know what my son said to me this morning?"

Again, Minato gulped. "What did he say, Kushina?" Hopefully it wasn't too horrible. His wife had been set on Naruto's first word being either mama or dada. Was that why she was so angry?

"Icha," she replied. "Icha Icha (3), to be exact."

The blood drained out of Minato's face. I knew I shouldn't have let Jiraiya babysit without supervision... but that kind of defeats the point of letting him babysit...

"It wasn't me!"

Her eyes narrowed even further, and Minato shivered beneath the fierce look. "I believe I told you, Minato, that under no circumstances was Jiraiya to be let anywhere near by baby unsupervised! I hate that old pervert! Tsunade-sama (4)--"

"Tsunade-sama wouldn't know what to do with a kid!" he insisted. "Jiraiya wouldn't hurt the boy, Kushi-chan (5)! Please, don't overre--"

"Overreact to my son's first words being the name of a porn novel!" He winced at the volume of her voice. "No! I shouldn't react at all to the fact that my son's receiving the birds and the bees before he even turns two! IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT AT ALL!"

Oh Kami (6), here we go again... He hated when Kushina was angry. All it did was make him miserable.

"Please, darling, can we just talk about this..." Soothingly, he stroked her hair and sat her down on the couch. "I'll have a little talk with Jiraiya in the morning, all right? And you can pick the babysitters from now on, okay?"

Her eyes were calculating. "Talk..." she whispered. "How can I talk about something like this? My baby's first word was supposed to be mama!"

Immediately, he knew she wanted something. "Alright... alright... You can talk to Jiraiya, okay? And when you're done, I'll have a little discussion with him." That involves lots of kunai (7) and blood. Or what's left of his blood after Kushina is through with him. Might not even have any visible pieces anymore.

He tried to pity Jiraiya... he really did.

But when it came down to it, he wasn't going to stand between his wife and her prey. Even he--the Great and Honorable Fourth Hokage--wasn't that stupid.


Notes: Aw, isn't Minato cute? It's sad that in canon Naruto he and Kushina both die on the same day and Naruto is an orphan. Poor kid...

(1) Fourth Hokage - One of Minato's titles which basically means he's the fourth leader of the village

(2) shuriken - one of the four-pointed ninja boomerang type weapons

(3) Icha Icha - the name of a romance novel (dubbed porn by most of the community) written by Jiraiya

(4) -sama - honorific denoting extreme respect. In this case it's like saying Lady Tsunade.

(5) -chan - honorific denoting affections, usually used on young girl/women or children

(6) Kami - really means "divine" but roughly translates to the equivalent of God

(7) kunai - the little pointy arrowhead-type ninja weapons