Prompt: Start a story with the words "In retrospect, it was a bad idea..."
In retrospect, I thought, it was a bad idea to give Kazeshini sugar. So it hadn't been on purpose, but that hardly mattered in the face of the disaster that had now befallen the Seireitei (1). Somehow my Zanpakutou (2) had gotten ahold of three jelly donuts and packet of M&Ms Renji had brought back from the human world for me, and now everything was going to go to Hell in a handbasket.
Panting, I raced down the street in the wake of a tide of black smoke and destruction. In the distance, I could hear Kazeshini's maniacal laughter echoing in my ears. Man, he was enjoying himself...
Such an idiot... Should have known he eat anything off the counter... Damn it!
A familiar blur almost crashed into me, heading away from the rising smoke. It was Kira, looking more disheveled and depressed than he usually was. After this, I thought, we're all going out for a drink. I really need one... and he looks like he needs one even more.
"Kira!" I shouted, "Where're you going?"
The blonde gave me a look that roughly computed to "Are you crazy" as he slowed to a standstill. "You're Zanpakutou is on a rampage," he informed me bluntly. "Wabisuke says that he was giggling about 'pink bunnies' and 'making Hyourinmaru pretty again'. I thought it was about time to leave."
You got that d*** straight! "Which direction did he go?" I hadn't even really started chasing him yet, and already I was tired.
"North!" Kira shouted over his shoulder. He was already a speck in the distance. And here I'd been thinking that my old drinking body would give me a helping hand. No loyalty these days.
I headed in the prescribed direction, following the screams and splotches of blood. Luckily no one seemed to have died yet, but I now had a general idea of where my idiot Zanpakutou was headed: the Tenth Division. If his nonsensical comments about making Hyourinmaru "pretty" actually hinted at what he planned to do there, then I might as well say goodbye to him now, because he would be a splotch of red and black goo on the concrete floor before I could save him from the wrath of Hyourinmaru.
Thankfully, he'd been intercepted by the time I reached his destination. Looking around at the crumbled building-siding that was scattered over the ground and the groaning and-or cowering victims of his assault hiding behind the chunks of debris. The haze of dust and ash cleared to reveal a tall man with scarlet hair, his scowling face twisted with black tattoos. He looked none-too-pleased to be facing down my crazier-than-usual Zanpakutou, especially when Kazeshini laughed hysterically, his voice rising in pitch until I began to wonder if he was male after all, and threw himself at Renji's head.
"Help me make Hyourinmaru prettyyyyyy~" he sang, grabbing hold of Renji's hair and yanking him around violently. "Let's go find the midget! She can help!"
The redhead wasn't having it. Grabbing hold of Kazeshini's dark, pointed ear, he yanked the Zanpakutou around, crimson eyes scanning until they found... me. Relief spread across his face immediately. I felt my own depression mounting. This was supposed to be my day off and it looked like the Ninth Division--under my command--would be paying the damages on all of these buildings belonging to the Sixth Division and the medical bills of all injured personale. If he wasn't my Zanpakutou, I would have murdered Kazeshini on the spot.
That, and he was looking at me like a kicked puppy. Normally, those two images wouldn't fit together, but I swear he appeared to be on the edge of bursting into noisy, snotty tears, his pale blue eyes wide as saucers, lower lip wobbling traitorously.
D*** it, how and I supposed to be mad at that face?
"This is yours," Renji stated, pushing the cowering Zanpakutou in my general direction. "What the Hell do you have him on, Hisagi?"
"Sugar," was my bland reply. Renji stared.
"I'm sorry!" Our staring contest was interrupted by the Zanpakutou's miserable wailing. "They were so yummy! I couldn't stop! And Hyourinmaru needs a makeover! Please, let's go find the midget and that one lady with the big--"
"Just be quiet," I snapped, glaring heatedly down at the pathetic lump that was typically a salivating, bloodthirsty maniac. Maybe having him on sugar wouldn't be so bad, if he acted saner under the influence. Kami, this wasn't in the job description. I should be paid more for putting up with this crap.
"Good luck!" Renji began to walk away...
"Hey, wait!"
And he was gone.
I looked back down at Kazeshini, who looked back up with every out of pathetic-ness he could muster in the face of my anger. Finally, I sighed, hoisting him up by the front of his clothing. "Let's go," I muttered, knowing I would regret not taking out my anger on him when he recovered from his sugar-induced insanity.
I was right.
The next morning a charge of nine-hundred and fifty-five thousand, five-hundred and thirty yen in damages and medical on my ex-Captains (now my own by default) desk, along with a complaint from the head Kuchiki himself and a notice from the Fourth Division completely ruined my early morning coffee buzz.
I set the cappuccino down on the corner of my desk and sighed, digging my fingers into my temples. The headache I'd thought I'd been rid of after my shower this morning now returned full-force, blasting through my skull with all the finesse of a sledgehammer. To make matters worse, Kazeshini chose that very moment to appear, bearing a small yellow box with a pink ribbon in his hands. Gingerly, he set it down on my desk, eyes downcast. I stared.
"Sorry," he muttered, "For eating your jelly donuts."
Sorry doesn't cut it! I wanted to snap. But he was being genuinely sorry for once, so I withheld my opinion. Usually he wouldn't feel the need to say sorry. He'd never apologized for any of the times he'd stabbed me before, and I thought that should be much higher of the scale of "Necessary to Apologize For" than consuming a couple of donuts and going on a relatively (but not monetarily) harmless rampage.
I groaned softly. "Fine..."
He moved away from my desk. I heard his boots clack against the hardwood floor and the door click shut behind him. My whole body sagged with relief, and I reached for my hot coffee with an eager ha--
Wait... Where is my coffee?
I looked at the bare corner of my desk. And then I looked at the door.
Oh shit... Kazeshini.
In retrospect, it was a bad idea to let Kazeshini get his hands on caffeine.
Note: Based off another prompt from my MT buddy. This is what my mind comes up with at 12:30 at night when I should be sleeping but can't. I hope it wasn't too crappy...
(1) Seireitei: Court of Pure Spirits. This is where all the Shinigami live (except for the evil ones)
(2) Zanpakutou: "Soul slayer" refers to the sword which all Shinigami carry. Their swords are sentient beings with minds of their own. Kazeshini and Hyourinmaru are both Zanpakutou--they are the physical manifestations of swords. They look like people... sort of. They're humanoid, let's put it that way.
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